You ever have something bad happen to you and all you can think is "why me? What did I do to deserve this?"
Well, I've been having thoughts like this a lot lately, but coming from a completely different direction. I am so happy...so insanely happy...what did I do to deserve this?
Nothing. Nada. I didn't do the first thing to deserve anything I have today. A man who loves me with all his heart and who cares for me and takes care of me with all that he is. A man who will do anything to surprise me and make me happy, yet who will tell me when I need to change something...because he loves me. A family who loves the man I will be marrying in 3 weeks. A family who loves me and has seen me through soooo much. A future family who knows more about me than most people do, and still joyfully welcome me into their family and love me. A soon to be mother in law who is so great to me, someone I can talk to about anything. Four great new sisters that I'm getting out of this...(oh, and four new brothers too)
See, a lot of people...I'd say most people, in fact, might think I've always been the perfect, model daughter. Well, big ol' news flash...I haven't. On the outside maybe it looks like I've always been great, but my immediate family and a very few close praying friends know things that I've done and been through that would surprise anyone. I've done some stuff that I am certainly not proud of and stuff I wish with all of my heart that I could take back...but I can't. Oh, I'm pure alright, physically...and for that I can't tell you how thankful I am. My mistakes were all built up with my imagination, a couple flings online or on the phone...talking to people I knew I shouldn't talk to...becoming close to people I knew I shouldn't be close to...
See that's the real stinger with stuff you do. You just can't take it back. If there's anyone out there reading this right now doing something you know deep down that isn't right, you better stop now. You really have no idea how much pain it could cause. No idea. I know I sure didn't know how much it would hurt me later on. I'm not saying all this to bring up junk I did before...I'm saying all this as a warning...maybe my mistakes will help someone else avoid the same or similar mistakes. That's all I could hope for. I'm purposefully not giving a lot of detail here...there's no reason for that...I've finally been able to put it all behind me and I never want to think about the past again. But for the sake of this post, I'll say as much as needs to be said.
Between the ages of 19 and 21 I put myself through a couple very hard things...I put my family through a lot of unnecessary heartache, but by the grace of God and lots of praying friends (most of whom never really knew what was going on...just that I was having issues) I stayed straight and stayed home. I know I'd never be here at home writing this, three weeks before my glorious wedding, had it not been for everyone praying for me and trying to talk sense into my stubborn head. I finally got right and straightened out, my relationship with my family healed, and I was truly happy here. Even though I didn't see any guys hanging around (which a lot of my problems stemmed from....a strong desire to be a wife and mother, at any cost) I was content and happy with my family. I mean, I'd been happy before, but this was different. I poured myself into leather and sewing and cooking...into the things I loved to do. I won't say I forgot about my desires to get married, but I tried to keep busy with other stuff.
Several months into my journey, I met (or re-met, I guess) Jacob. As time went on, and we got more serious, I was scared to tell him everything about me. I was scared to death that what I'd done before would make me undesirable to him...that he'd leave and find someone who hadn't done the things I'd done...a truly "good" girl. I knew I needed to talk to him...it ate at me. Somehow I'd always make excuses...we were having the perfect evening together...I wasn't going to ruin it by bringing up all that! But really, it was because I loved him so much and I was terrified of losing him...of driving him away.
One night, in late May or early June (can't remember exactly when) Jacob's mom called my mom. They talked for a looong time and I didn't think too much of it. When Mom got off the phone, she told me his mom wanted to know everything about anything I'd ever done...she said Jacob was very serious about this and wanted to know if Jacob knew everything there was to know about me. I had told him before that I'd done some bad stuff before, but never what exactly. She just wanted to make sure Jacob wasn't tricked into something..she was trying to protect him.
That was the hardest night of my life. I called Jacob that night and told him I needed to talk to him and tell him everything. He listened quietly while I sobbed on the phone with him and told him everything he needed to know about me. He didn't say much, and his family was calling him in, so I no sooner got everything out and said than he had to go. He was really quiet that night...didn't say much of anything on the phone at all, and just said "good night" when he went to bed. I was terrified. The next two or three days were pure misery. He just wasn't saying much at all. My parents met with his parents to talk (Mom said Dad wanted to get together with them and tell them how wonderful I was...I still don't know what all went on there) and Jacob just wasn't talking hardly at all.
After a couple days of all that, lots of talking between everyone, lots of crying, not much eating, and just plain heartbreak...Jacob told me that he freely forgave me of everything I'd done...that we all make mistakes. It was then that I started grasping how truly blessed I have been. I still can't comprehend it. What I had done before could have very well cost me (and understandably so) the one thing I valued most in this world...Jacob's love for me...and yet he forgave me and was willing to put everything behind us and move on from there.
It was a few weeks later, June 27th, when Jacob proposed to me...he told me that he bought the ring the very day I called him and told him everything. His mom knew about the ring, and that's why she was wanting to make sure everyone knew everything there was to know.
The one thing you never think about when you're in the middle of whatever it is you'll later regret, is how you'll feel the night you have to tell the man you love more than anything, how you didn't always save every last piece of your heart for him. It was excruciating in the most extreme way.
So that's why I say "why me" every time I address another invitation, or get another "I love you" text for no reason. Why I want to cry happy tears every time I see how my man is fixing up our house just for me. When I see the adoration in his eyes when he surprises me with something new he's done for me. When he teases me about eating so "dadgone" slow! When I'm leaning on the counter in the kitchen and he's just staring at me, so I say "what is it?" and he smiles and says "I'm just looking at you." :)
See, I'm planning my dream future right now. I'm marrying the man that far exceeds my greatest dreams in three weeks. Three weeks. And I don't deserve a single second of this happiness I'm immersed in.